I cannot stand New York City. I think that is just part of what it means to be a New Yorker. Because honestly I love it, I just cannot fucking stand it. But does anyone genuinely like it here? It seems like everyone is always planning to live somewhere else. I have been here for 12 years. Came in from Long Island. I lived in Prague for a four month study abroad in 2008 and Florida for a one year who knows what in 2004… otherwise, I’ve just been here. I wanted to write a song called “Everyone Leaves Me in New York,” but I cannot write music, or sing, or play an instrument.
I want to tell you who I am, but it is a funny thing, describing yourself to strangers (or to an echoing, cavernous Internet). You have to choose what is important.
I am the one in the middle (sandwiched between two of the best people I know). I am thirty years old. Still love crop tops (still sorry, Dad). Off the bat these are my self-description sharing choices:
1 – I am $160k in debt. That is not a typo.
2 – My desk job makes me feel like a zombie. Should you be scared that I will eat your flesh? Maybe…
3 – I haven’t been in a committed relationship in 6 years. You’ll make assumptions about how this makes me feel. If I keep writing, I’ll tell you how it makes me feel.
4 – All my friends are coupling off. Make your assumptions, I’ll elaborate in time.
5 – I always thought I would wind up a nomad with some nontraditional life. Since I was a kid. It eats me up that I haven’t gotten there. It has been gnawing at me, really, for my entire forever. I found this from seven years ago:
You need to know those things because that is what brought me to today. No matter what, I am not staying in New York City. I have made my decision that finally, I am serious; this time I am leaving. I say this a lot. But now, it is different. This guy, this man with a van, he gave me the final push, which was inspiration, and, maybe, something more. But again, more on that later.
Now I have a plan. The start of one, at least. I feel so alive I want to fall over and die because it is almost too much for my heart to handle, finally beating for something. I’ve been waiting for so long to want. It all seems so fucking clear. There are so many pieces to what I am trying to say.
I can’t wait to tell you all about it.